Advertisement
The CIA gained intimate access to your development by detaining your parents at a black site and pretending to be them for decades.
Advertisement
The smart home device has a wide range of features that rely on an active microphone and motion detectors, both of which are designed to distract you as Jeff Bezos and his cronies rummage through your trash.
Advertisement
Terrifying though it is to contemplate, the government has been tracking your every move since your birth.
Advertisement
The government is believed to have a supercomputer the size of a football field that stores nothing but the workout mixes of American citizens.
Advertisement
Members of the government’s cybersecurity force personally wrote this slideshow in order to monitor the types of websites, preferences, and paranoias you indulge in your free time.
Advertisement
A secret late 2000s study found that up to 95% of the people you interact with are informing the government of your every move.
Advertisement
If you ever wondered why you have that three-foot device strapped to your skull, now you know.
Advertisement
While microchips aren’t being put in vaccines, they are frequently disguised as crackers or shredded wheat squares, or even enlarged into a 16-inch Sicilian pizza crust.
Advertisement
You can’t see their eyes peeking out when you’re turned around taking a shit, and that’s just how the FBI likes it.
Advertisement
Just kidding, it’s way too sad for anyone to try to get through. Of the two NSA agents who tried, one retired early, forgoing his pension and benefits, and the other…well, he did what your browsing history suggests you don’t have the guts to do.
Advertisement
There he is, sitting in the corner of your house as your family eats dinner, watching you on the treadmill at the gym, following you into the bathroom stall at work, all the while mumbling and taking notes on a weathered yellow legal pad. While it’s hard to remember a time before Marty, as if Marty wasn’t a standard aspect of everyday life, not unlike the air we breathe, he is in reality a low-level employee of the NSA, assigned your case as recently as 2003.
Advertisement
After years and years of pathetic singledom, are you supposed to believe another human actually shows interest in becoming your lifetime romantic partner?
Advertisement
They’re not just devouring you. They’re also gathering your genetic material for the government’s master DNA database.
Advertisement
Sees everything. Fears nothing.
Advertisement
The FBI doesn’t want you to know this, but if you peel back the bread on any sandwich, there is a camera and microphone covered in meat, cheese, and mayonnaise.
Advertisement
Though it’s confusing why there would be a full-on shrub in the office, let alone why it’s moving, the surveillance tactic has proven extremely effective.
Advertisement
The government uses its prison and economic systems to secretly determine how much you care about other people.
Advertisement
That bitch sings like a goddamn canary.
Advertisement
And they know that you didn’t finish it.
Advertisement
You may be so used to the extra 150 pounds or so that you hardly even notice there’s an NSA snoop perched on your shoulders with your head between their thighs.
Advertisement