Most Terrifying Ways The Government Is Spying On You

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Posing As Your Parents For Your Entire Childhood

The CIA gained intimate access to your development by detaining your parents at a black site and pretending to be them for decades.

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Amazon Alexa

The smart home device has a wide range of features that rely on an active microphone and motion detectors, both of which are designed to distract you as Jeff Bezos and his cronies rummage through your trash.

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Social Security Number

Terrifying though it is to contemplate, the government has been tracking your every move since your birth.

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Monitoring Streaming Music Services

The government is believed to have a supercomputer the size of a football field that stores nothing but the workout mixes of American citizens.

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By Personally Authoring This Slideshow

Members of the government’s cybersecurity force personally wrote this slideshow in order to monitor the types of websites, preferences, and paranoias you indulge in your free time.

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Everyone Is Informing On You

A secret late 2000s study found that up to 95% of the people you interact with are informing the government of your every move.

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Tracking You Via The Antenna Tied To Your Head

If you ever wondered why you have that three-foot device strapped to your skull, now you know.

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Smuggling Microchips Into Your Food

While microchips aren’t being put in vaccines, they are frequently disguised as crackers or shredded wheat squares, or even enlarged into a 16-inch Sicilian pizza crust.

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Holding Stakeouts In The Tank Of Your Toilet

You can’t see their eyes peeking out when you’re turned around taking a shit, and that’s just how the FBI likes it.

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Your Web History

Just kidding, it’s way too sad for anyone to try to get through. Of the two NSA agents who tried, one retired early, forgoing his pension and benefits, and the other…well, he did what your browsing history suggests you don’t have the guts to do.

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Marty

There he is, sitting in the corner of your house as your family eats dinner, watching you on the treadmill at the gym, following you into the bathroom stall at work, all the while mumbling and taking notes on a weathered yellow legal pad. While it’s hard to remember a time before Marty, as if Marty wasn’t a standard aspect of everyday life, not unlike the air we breathe, he is in reality a low-level employee of the NSA, assigned your case as recently as 2003.

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Marrying You

After years and years of pathetic singledom, are you supposed to believe another human actually shows interest in becoming your lifetime romantic partner?

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Sharks

They’re not just devouring you. They’re also gathering your genetic material for the government’s master DNA database.

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Big Bloodshot Eyeball On Top Of The Capitol Building

Sees everything. Fears nothing.

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Cameras In Every Sandwich

The FBI doesn’t want you to know this, but if you peel back the bread on any sandwich, there is a camera and microphone covered in meat, cheese, and mayonnaise.

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FBI Disguising Themselves As Bushes And Following You Around The Office

Though it’s confusing why there would be a full-on shrub in the office, let alone why it’s moving, the surveillance tactic has proven extremely effective.

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Killing A Bunch Of People To Test Whether You Care That Much

The government uses its prison and economic systems to secretly determine how much you care about other people.

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Asking Your Mom For Embarrassing Stories About You

That bitch sings like a goddamn canary.

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Surveillance Devices Hidden Inside Copies Of 1984

And they know that you didn’t finish it.

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NSA Agent Riding Your Shoulders

You may be so used to the extra 150 pounds or so that you hardly even notice there’s an NSA snoop perched on your shoulders with your head between their thighs.