Mother Fucker: Cliff Bleszinski Just Made Off From Our Conference With 10,000 Free EA Games Pens

Illustration for article titled Mother Fucker: Cliff Bleszinski Just Made Off From Our Conference With 10,000 Free EA Games Pens

Well, gamers, unfortunately it’s time for some pretty infuriating news. We were super excited when Gears Of War and Unreal creator Cliff Bleszinski decided to grace our Onion Gamer’s Expo with his presence, but then this son of a bitch just took off with 10,000 of our free EA Games pens!


Goddammit, what a complete asshole!

As one of the many truly unique facets of the OGN gaming conference, we were able to partner with EA Games to give each of our attendees a free pen bearing the video game developer’s logo completely free of charge. When Cliff Bleszinski first arrived he took three or four of them— a reasonable amount of pens that should satisfy the average person. But it’s apparently not enough for the greedy prick. We’re well aware that we didn’t have a sign that indicated only taking just one, but this is unbelievable.

We were under the impression that Bleszinski was excited to talk to an audience about his design philosophy with the Gears franchise and maybe sign a few copies, but when it came time for the panel we scheduled, he was peeling out from the parking lot cackling to himself with a van full of our precious EA Games pens.

Cliff Bleszinski, you unconscionable bastard!

What’s disappointing is this was one of the main points of promotion for this conference. We paid an ungodly amount for targeted ads to gamers that read “Come to the OGE and receive a free white EA Games click pen!” Now we’re left wondering if the only reason why Bleszinski agreed to the conference in the first place was so he could sneak behind our booth to steal boxes of pens while the security guard wasn’t looking.

Given that he took every pen we had, it’s hard to tell if this was simply an act of Machiavellian self-interest or some kind of declaration of war against our conference itself. You have to assume that he has the money to buy 10,000 pens if he wants. But why would someone need this many pens? Maybe he intends to offload them to a fence who can sell them on the black market.

Regardless of the reason, this is a huge dick move.

Christ, sorry you had to find out like this, gamers. But Cliff Bleszinski is the true scum of the Earth for taking off with all 10,000 of our EA Games pens, and we also sincerely apologize that nobody else will get the opportunity to have a free pen. We know it comes as a huge disappointment, but you’ll have to make do with the free EA Games bouncy balls and coasters while we all wish that Cliffy B would go straight to hell.