TULSA, OK—Sitting the kids down to break the bad news for the final time, local mother Julia Ivey informed her children Tuesday that their grandfather had died for real this time. “I know I’ve said this before, but Grandpa is actually dead now,” said Ivey, emphasizing that this death wasn’t like the many false alarms when her sickly father, Burt Hamblett, had seemed certain to succumb to one of his numerous medical conditions and she, along with her son and daughter, had rushed to the hospital and said their goodbyes. “Really, he’s 100% dead this time. Both his heart and his brain have stopped working completely. He’s beyond resuscitation. Why are you guys rolling your eyes? I’m serious.” At press time, an official from the hospital morgue had reportedly called to inform Ivey that her father had somehow managed to pull through.
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