MINNEAPOLIS—Caught off guard by the sudden intensity with which she launched into the only liturgical part of the ceremony, attendees at a local wedding reported this week that the mother of the bride was going absolutely hog-wild with the short blessing she was allowed to give during the otherwise secular nuptials. “Whoa, she’s not fucking around, is she?” bridesmaid Stacy Nguyen whispered as the bride’s mother kicked her invocation into overdrive, calling directly upon the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost; quoting generously from Scripture; and offering overtly religious sentiments that caused many guests to shift uncomfortably in their seats. “I was expecting some vague allusions to spiritual concerns, but she’s using every second they’ve given her to go balls out with the Jesus stuff. I’ve already lost count of how many times she’s said ‘our Lord and Savior.’ Holy shit, wait…what is she…did that woman seriously bring her own candle?” The mother of the bride reportedly concluded her blessing by making aggressive eye-contact with each member of the wedding party and saying “God bless all of you.”
