Musicians Explain Why They Hate Ticketmaster

Musicians Explain Why They Hate Ticketmaster

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Following recent Senate hearings on Ticketmaster, more and more artists are speaking out against the online ticket-sales monolith. The Onion asked musicians how they felt about the platform, and this is what they said.

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Michael Bublé

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“I’m confident I can deliver my fans $59 worth of concert value, but adding the extra $9 puts way too much pressure on me.”

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Phoebe Bridgers

Phoebe Bridgers

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“I wasn’t able to get Taylor Swift tickets, and now the only way I can see her on tour is as the opening act.”

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Frankie Valli

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“My fans are so old that even the slightest hiccup in purchasing will kill them.”

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Taylor Swift

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“We used to date.”

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John Fogerty

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“Their website has way too many buttons.”

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Billy Joel

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“Oh, so I need a reason to hate stuff now?”

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Jared Leto

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“I’m tired of hooking up with bots on my tour bus.”

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Madonna

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“These middlemen are awful. I miss the days when I got to directly shake down my most committed fans.”

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Lorde

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“They misspelled my name once, and ever since I’ve had to be this Lorde person when performing. ‘Lorde’? Just what the hell is that? I sound like an idiot.”

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Rihanna

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“If I’m going to tour again, I don’t want the Senate having little meetings about it.”

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Harry Styles

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“My manager told me I had to hate them for the next three to five weeks.”

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Neil Young

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“I’m generally against things that didn’t originate on a farm.”

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T.I.

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“They’ve refused to distribute tickets to my open-mic comedy shows.”

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Lady Gaga

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“I can never get past the Captcha.”

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Jon Bon Jovi

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“They’ve stolen the amulet from which I derive my unnatural youth and will destroy it unless I continue to tour for all of time.”

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Tim McGraw

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“Their wanton abuse of market power is antithetical to the ideals of the American economy. Plus, they said no when I asked for a cut of the processing fees.”

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Björk

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“I wouldn’t know. All tickets to my shows mysteriously appear under my fans’ pillows as they sleep.”

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