Musicians Explain Why They Hate Ticketmaster

“I’m confident I can deliver my fans $59 worth of concert value, but adding the extra $9 puts way too much pressure on me.”

“I wasn’t able to get Taylor Swift tickets, and now the only way I can see her on tour is as the opening act.”

“My fans are so old that even the slightest hiccup in purchasing will kill them.”

“We used to date.”

“Their website has way too many buttons.”

“Oh, so I need a reason to hate stuff now?”

“I’m tired of hooking up with bots on my tour bus.”

“These middlemen are awful. I miss the days when I got to directly shake down my most committed fans.”

“They misspelled my name once, and ever since I’ve had to be this Lorde person when performing. ‘Lorde’? Just what the hell is that? I sound like an idiot.”

“If I’m going to tour again, I don’t want the Senate having little meetings about it.”

“My manager told me I had to hate them for the next three to five weeks.”

“I’m generally against things that didn’t originate on a farm.”

“They’ve refused to distribute tickets to my open-mic comedy shows.”

“I can never get past the Captcha.”

“They’ve stolen the amulet from which I derive my unnatural youth and will destroy it unless I continue to tour for all of time.”

“Their wanton abuse of market power is antithetical to the ideals of the American economy. Plus, they said no when I asked for a cut of the processing fees.”

“I wouldn’t know. All tickets to my shows mysteriously appear under my fans’ pillows as they sleep.”

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