Illustration for article titled Naked, Out-Of-Breath CDC Director Announces Nation’s Fertility Rate No Longer In Decline

ATLANTA—Wiping the sweat from his brow and drinking from a glass of water, naked, out-of-breath CDC director Robert Redfield announced at a press conference Friday that the nation’s fertility rate was no longer in decline. “I am happy to announce that after a slow, two-decade decline in American birth rates, our efforts have finally reversed the trend,” said a smiling, visibly flushed Redfield while wiping himself down and dabbing at his forehead with a cool, damp cloth. “Combating declining fertility was hard work but very satisfying, and everyone was really fantastic. I estimate that nine months from now there will be a population explosion. And if you give me another 20 minutes, I bet we can increase it even more.” At press time, Redfield had passed out and started napping behind the lectern.

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