FLORENCE, SC—Lamenting his lack of foresight and preparation in choosing to have a full order of barbecued chicken wings without a proper supply of wiping materials, diner Eddie Schubert, 32, sat napkinless at his kitchen table Tuesday, staring in dismay at his grease-covered fingers while realizing he had trapped himself in a prison of his own creation. “What have I done?” said a visibly distraught Schubert, casting his gaze about the room for any tissue, paper towel, or absorbent sheet that might free him from the shackles of sticky sauce rendering him powerless. “I alone forged these chains, and now in greasy coin do I pay a steep price for my foolish recklessness. My only options are to break free using naught but my wits or to simply hand myself over to the whims of sticky Fate, and in so doing, perish.” It is not currently known whether Schubert has the fortitude necessary to make the ultimate sacrifice and wipe his hands on his pants, sacrificing his favorite pair of jeans but gaining his freedom.
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