CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Succumbing before the launch even took place to a sudden and mysterious onset of what is being described as space madness, NASA astronauts reportedly went insane Thursday and killed each other immediately upon entering their rocket. According to sources, mere moments after stepping foot in the Orion crew module, Commander Jackson Reed, Pilot Amy Ackerson, and Mission Specialist Hanson Norfeld lost all touch with reality, clawing at their own eyes and attempting to bash each other’s skulls to a pulp on the control panel. Reports confirmed that in the midst of what appeared to be a complete psychotic break, Flight Engineer Finn Hargrave stripped off his space suit, smeared a thick layer of his own excrement all over his body, and declared himself to be “Commander Space God.” He is then said to have blown his fellow crew members’ brains out with a flare gun before announcing he would save humanity by single-handedly repopulating the space capsule. At press time, NASA officials, who acknowledged the human psyche was too fragile to withstand a direct confrontation with the horrifying enigma of space-time, called the mission an unmitigated success.
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