BEVERLY HILLS—Emphasizing that the mission would finally give humans unprecedented access to juicy, A-list action, NASA scientists told reporters Wednesday that they had launched a paparazzo rover in Beverly Hills to search for signs of salacious celebrity life. “After years of simply researching from afar, NASA’s new paparazzo rover will allow scientists to prove once and for all that celebs are not just out there, but that they are a drunken, sloppy mess,” said spokeswoman Hayley Emmanuel, who added that the unmanned vehicle, which cost 3.5 billion dollars, was fully equipped with heat sensors and infrared detectors as well as a 600 mm telephoto lens capable of detecting a nip slip, cellulite, or weight gain from hundreds of feet away. “For the next several years, we hope this revolutionary device will allow humans to traverse Rodeo Drive and document celebrity shenanigans in vivid color. Imagine, being able to see a high-as-hell Miley Cyrus fighting tooth and nail with a bouncer, or analyze a high-res image of Ben Affleck’s back tattoo. At this point, we can’t even imagine what that will look like, but we know it will be spectacular.” At press time, NASA had announced the rover was in grave danger of powering down after it accidentally flipped over near the Beverly Hills Hotel, leaving its solar panels facing the wrong direction.
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