WASHINGTON—Following years of speculation by the world’s foremost astronomers, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed Monday that the Earth is dating the Moon. “The two have been seen together regularly for the past 4.5 billion years, and we have now learned that Earth and its Moon are indeed in a committed relationship,” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine, adding that while the pair of astronomical objects first met shortly after the solar system coalesced and were good friends through much of the Precambrian era, they didn’t begin dating exclusively until this spring. “It’s a long-distance relationship as the couple are at times a full 252,088 miles apart from each other, but neither one seems likely to leave the other anytime soon. We have every reason to believe there is a strong physical attraction between these two celestial bodies.” At press time, the Moon had reportedly broken up with Earth after discovering the planet had 7.8 billion children who were completely sucking the life out of it.
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