BANGOR, ME—Admitting that their decade-long overindulgence in recreational stimulants rendered their memories “pretty much a blur,” the American populace admitted Monday to being so coked-out during the 1980s that they had no recollection whatsoever of reading Stephen King’s best-selling horror novel Cujo. “I have an ’83 paperback on my bookshelf, and the pages are all dog-eared, but I have absolutely no memory of any of it,” said retired schoolteacher Brian Millet, who claims to recall reading hundreds of published pages in the early 1980s but was unable to describe with any confidence what a “Cujo” was. “I’m sure I finished it really quickly, and I was probably pretty invested in it since I underlined almost half the text, but man, it’s all a fog. Sometimes, people ask me what inspired me to read it and I have no idea. I mean, what the fuck, there was a dog or something?” Millet, like most American readers of popular fiction, confessed that his degenerate, coke-damaged reading habits might well have persisted into the 1990s had he not experienced a personal epiphany upon being hit by a van.

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