Nation Agrees That Despite Our Differences Americans Still Make Some Good-Lookin’ Corn

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HOOPESTON, IL— Whether it’s baked into a tasty bread, popped in oil as a savory treat, or enjoyed fresh and right off the cob, sources from across the nation agreed Wednesday that, whatever differences they may have, Americans still grow themselves some mighty good-lookin’ corn. “Regardless of which part of the country we come from or what we may be arguing about at the moment, we can all of us share in the belief that no one grows a taller, sweeter, or purdier stalk of corn than we do right here in the ol’ U-S-of-A,” said Illinois native Grant Hardway, 56, who reportedly joined together with millions of Americans as they looked back and forth between one another and the seemingly endless rows of gorgeous, freshly sown corn that stretched beyond the horizon, bathing the countryside in a magnificent golden glow. “Some folks say we’re more divided than ever, and I reckon there’s some truth to that. But this here—this handsome, buttered, homegrown cob you see in my hand—by God, it ain’t changed one bit. Be it raw, boiled, grilled, creamed, or extruded into a cheese-flavored snack puff, we here in the land of the free have got us some damned fine corn. Yes, sir.” At press time, an estimated 333 million U.S. residents nodded solemnly toward their neighbors as they sat on porches, patios, and stoops to begin shucking corn for their evening meals.