Illustration for article titled Nation All Itchy

WASHINGTON—Feeling completely overwhelmed by the uncomfortable sensation, the nation was reportedly all itchy, frantically scratching sources confirmed Monday. “Gah, it’s driving me crazy!” said Greg McLaren, one of the 328 million Americans who was currently reaching for a ruler, fork, or any other implement he could use to get to the hard-to-reach spots on his lower back, desperately trying to find some relief regardless of whether he broke skin or started bleeding. “I know I’m just making it worse, but I can’t help myself. I don’t know if it’s an allergic reaction or what.” At press time, a red, puffy U.S. populace was on their way to Walgreens to get some hydrocortisone cream.