NEW YORK—Stressing that the memory seemed so fresh and vivid in their minds, the confused nation announced Monday that they could have sworn British entertainer Russell Brand was already a convicted sex offender. “Interesting...so Russell Brand definitely wasn’t already found guilty of sexual assault back in, like...2016, 2017?” said 39-year-old New York resident Scott Hasard, echoing the thoughts of 330 million Americans as he noted that when he saw allegations emerge about the actor, comedian, and podcast host, he had assumed it was simply repackaged content from nearly a decade ago. “You’re telling me there wasn’t a lengthy and well-publicized trial where Brand was acquitted, but then new allegations emerged? And, like, social media posts where the women got called liars? None of that happened? Huh. I even feel like I read a think-piece about how we could still appreciate Forgetting Sarah Marshall despite his crimes. It’s probably insane to even ask this, but didn’t he release a comeback special back in 2020 about how everyone tried to cancel him for the sexual assault stuff? Seriously? Not even that?” At press time, the baffled nation asked what had made Brand into such an unhinged and deeply frustrated person if all of this hadn’t kicked it off years ago.
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