WASHINGTON—Voicing their calls for heavy distortion and completely badass riffs, millions of Americans across the country fervently demanded a significant increase in the number of mind-blowing guitar solos Monday, sources nationwide confirmed.
Highlighting an unmistakable dearth of epic, amazing solos in recent years, Americans of all ages have reportedly called on the nation’s musicians to play technically difficult licks on their electric guitars, preferably at lightning-fast speeds, stressing the importance that the solos be both “loud as hell” and “totally insane.”
“When I turn on the radio, I want to hear a killer solo where the guy just totally shreds it hard,” said 36-year-old Kent, WA resident Michael Pellone, echoing the sentiments of the vast majority of citizens from coast to coast. “I want a solo so fast you can barely see the guy’s fingers moving—where the guy’s up on stage, one foot on top of a speaker, and just going nuts all over the guitar. That’s what I want.”
“And not one of those short solos either,” Pellone continued enthusiastically. “It’s gotta be, like, three minutes. Three minutes of this guy fucking wailing up there and making his guitar do those cool squealing sounds you hear a lot. Yeah, it has to have a lot of that.”
According to thousands of amped-up sources nationwide, a guitar solo in which the guy bends the strings really far while leaning his head back and grimacing is currently a top national priority. Additionally, citizens from all 50 states emphasized the importance of the guitarist running all over the stage, jumping off an amplifier, and then sliding on his knees through the lead singer’s legs while rocking out hard the entire time.
The U.S. populace also insisted that the solos contain several sections in which the guitarist uses his right hand to tap notes on the neck of the instrument just like Eddie Van Halen does in “Eruption.”
“I like when they’re just tearing it up on the low part of the guitar, but then they suddenly go up and play on the high part—they should do that lots of times,” said 31-year-old Mark Kessek of West Orange, NJ, adding that he really likes how it sounds when guitarists do long slides up and down the strings, so the solo should include a few of those. “I also like when they do that wah-wah effect thing—that has to be in there too. But the main thing is that it has to be really fast. So fast you’re just like, ‘Whoa, fuck yeah!’”
“Yeah!” added Kessek, excitedly making devil horns with his hands. “Pantera!”
According to a recent poll, 59 percent of Americans vehemently demanded that guitarists rip it up on a sweet double-neck guitar, frequently switching between the two fretboards like it’s nothing, while 84 percent called for an interlude midway through the solos during which another guitarist walks over and plays a cool harmony part alongside the lead. A further 73 percent said guitarists must at some point strum a really high note and simply let it ring while holding the guitar up with one hand, preferably while looking up and nodding at the crowd.
Moreover, 100 percent of respondents said that the guitarist should hit the whammy bar at the end of a particularly sick riff, with all respondents agreeing that such a maneuver would “kick ass.”
“What they should do is make the whole stage dark and then there’s a big spotlight on the guitarist guy, and there’s all this fog and smoke coming up around him too,” said 42-year-old Houston resident Samantha Pragle, noting that, ideally, the guitar should have some cool flames painted on it. “And it doesn’t just have to be one solo per song. A song could have a whole bunch of solos in it. Maybe the entire song could be a solo! Man, can you imagine how insane that would be? That would fucking rule!”
While unanimous in their demands for more unbelievable, earsplitting solos, the American public is reportedly divided over how the solos should end. According to sources, some have pressed for several amplifiers to be wildly kicked over after the last note, though others are staunchly in favor of seeing the soloist use his guitar strap to throw his instrument around his body, catch it, and then seamlessly transition into playing the song’s final chorus.
“I love guitar solos! I like when they play the guitar behind their head, just like this!” said Philadelphia accountant Alan Hurley, 57, closing his eyes and rapidly moving his fingers across an imaginary fretboard while making guitar sounds with his mouth. “Wa-na-na, neeow, wa-na, wa-now!”
“Wa-na-na-na,” Hurley added. “Na-na-neeow, wah-a-wow!”
At press time, tens of millions of enthusiastic Americans had reportedly cued up a YouTube video of Steve Vai’s “For The Love Of God” and cranked it all the way up.