SALEM, OR—Bemoaning their fates as the brief distraction came closer to its inevitable end, the U.S. populace announced Monday that they don’t have anything left to enjoy once a lavender-scented candle burns out. “Man, it was really nice when I first lit the candle—I liked the match part, especially—but now I’m realizing I’ll just be all alone again when the wick burns down,” said local man Ben Portman, 43, echoing the sentiment of 330 million Americans who dreaded the moment they would plunge back into their mundane lives without so much as the fleeting enjoyment of the candle’s flickering flame and pleasant scent. “After it goes out, I’ll be back in my room, and it’ll be dark. Then what am I supposed to do then? I guess I could go to sleep, but the sun hasn’t even gone down yet.” At press time, the dejected nation had decided to just get it over with and blow out the candle.