Nation Enters New Phase Of Vaccine Distribution Where Capricorns, Gymnasts, Childless Uncles Now Eligible For Inoculation

Illustration for article titled Nation Enters New Phase Of Vaccine Distribution Where Capricorns, Gymnasts, Childless Uncles Now Eligible For Inoculation

ATLANTA—Reviewing changes to the priorities for Covid-19 vaccine recipients, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday that the nation was entering a new phase of vaccine distribution where Capricorns, gymnasts, and childless uncles were now eligible for inoculation. “If you are between the ages of 49 and 52, were born in Iowa but now live in Ohio, reside exactly 3.25 miles from a hospital, or have bowled a 300 game, you should proceed to a medical facility to receive your Covid vaccine,” said Anne Schuchat, deputy director at the CDC, adding that health officials hoped to provide further clarity on the order in which people should receive the vaccine, as well as prioritize the fourth-generation Dutch immigrants, Panera Bread regional managers, and Miami Heat season-ticket holders most in need of inoculation. “After Capricorns, any Gemini with exactly three roommates and Celiac disease should be ready during phase 3f, but first we have to finish with phases 2b and 3m, which target pastry chefs, firefighters, anyone who served in the first Iraq War but not the second, people who live across the street from a law office, Rhea Seehorn, men who are five-foot-seven, and women who are five-foot-nine. If you’ve ever worked at a Dairy Queen, have between 32 and 39 followers on Instagram, had your appendix removed on a Tuesday, or write your name with little hearts over the i’s, you’re also still eligible, although that eligibility ends in six hours, so you’d better get a move on. If you’re not sure whether you should get vaccinated now, just remember the acronym CBICQCVIW. We hope this clears things up.” At press time, the CDC announced it had thrown away 5,000 expired vaccines and arrested a Taurus with stepchildren who had tried to cut the line.