SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Stressing that the present atmosphere only raised further questions about the greeting method, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that they felt even more unsure than usual about whether to hug their cousins this Thanksgiving. “To be fair, I wouldn’t have any idea what to do even in regular times, but now I’m just totally lost,” said Andrew Hanson, 33, echoing the sentiment of 330 million Americans who emphasized that they really didn’t know their cousin that well and things have felt weird since the time they accidentally shook hands twice back in 2007 after mistaking them for a completely different cousin. “Boy, what the hell am I supposed to do here? An elbow bump? No, he might not even know what I’m doing. Plus, he’s standing a little apart from the rest of the family, and it’s not clear if that’s because of health concerns or because he just doesn’t like us. Oh God, he made eye contact. Christ.” At press time, the nation had settled instead on politely patting their cousin’s rump and kissing them delicately on the nape of the neck.
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