WASHINGTON—Admitting that they didn’t feel worthy of the extravagant efforts being made on their behalf, citizens across the country told reporters Tuesday how flattered they were that a nationally renowned brand would go to the trouble of selling them a hand-crafted product. “I’m honored that a major corporation would go out of its way to give me the option of purchasing a product of such craftsmanship and quality—though I can’t begin to guess I've done to earn that kind of treatment,” said Waukegan, WI resident Theresa Gibson, echoing the sentiments of all 317 million Americans, who were reportedly “touched” by the thought of a leading brand making an effort to hand-select only the finest ingredients for their benefit. “I can't believe they went to such lengths for me, and honestly, I’m so used to buying mass-produced items that this all seems a little disorienting. I'm not sure I even deserve such a top-of-the-line product.” At press time, men and women nationwide had voiced their astonishment at the idea that any corporation would go through the surely painstaking effort of creating limited-edition flavors for them to taste.

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