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Nation Forgives Harvey Weinstein After He Gets Really Good At Football

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LOS ANGELES—The American people have reportedly forgiven Harvey Weinstein Wednesday after discovering the disgraced mogul has gotten really good at football. “I don’t condone what Harvey did, but man, that guy can run like a demon,” said 38-year-old homemaker Sara Reese, who represented just one of the nation’s 330 million residents calling upon officials at Twin Towers Correctional Facility to release Weinstein following the circulation of a viral video in which the newly ripped 70-year-old was seen throwing a super tight spiral. “He’s truly a once-in-a-generation talent. Is he sorry for what he did? Who knows, but he ran a 4.3-second 40, for god’s sake. I mean, look at that arm! He’s dropping dimes. It would be more criminal to keep him off the field.” At press time, Weinstein had signed with the New York Giants.