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Nation Gathers Around Picky Eater To Make Him Try Things He Doesn’t Like

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TOPEKA, KS—Following repeated appeals for the man to sample “just one little bite,” sources confirmed Wednesday that the whole nation had gathered around 28-year-old picky eater Elijah Chapman in an attempt to make him try things he didn’t like. “How can you say you don’t like something if you haven’t really given it a fair chance?” said Tallahassee resident Phoebe Barbadoro, 47, whose sentiment reportedly reflected that of the entire American populace as it goaded the Topeka-based graphic designer into taking a “teeny tiny taste” of various foods that he could not stand, including chimichurri sauce, shiitake mushrooms, polenta, a veal Parmesan sub, crawfish étouffée, kimchi, enchiladas suizas, a grain bowl, and “an itty-bitty sliver” of pecan pie. “You’ve probably just never had it prepared the right way before. Come on, once you get used to the flavor profile, the texture, and the smell, you’ll see it’s absolutely delicious.” At press time, citizens from across the country had assured Chapman, who was vomiting an açai smoothie onto the sidewalk, that sometimes it was an acquired taste, but one day he would absolutely love it.