NEW YORK—According to numerous drowsy reports issued moments ago out of nowhere, the nation on Monday just got really tired all of a sudden. “Man, I don’t know what happened, but I am wiped out,” said St. Louis resident Elise Petcoff, one of the millions of Americans who began yawning and felt their eyes growing slowly heavier as they were hit by a wave of exhaustion that, by all accounts, came completely without warning. “I was fine like a second ago, but now I’m just drained. Jesus.” At press time, the entire nation was lying facedown in a small pool of drool.