WASHINGTON—Dreading that someone else might order the delicious pastry before they got to the front of the line, the entire nation Thursday reportedly had their heart set on the last muffin. “I don’t want to get my hopes up, but man, I really hope no one grabs that last lemon blueberry,” thought Amber Selhi, 35, who along with the rest of the American populace was silently pleading with the man at the front of the line to order a croissant from the six on display and ignore that tasty muffin with the crumble topping. “Yes! He only wanted a coffee. Boy, I thought anyone that huge was definitely going to snatch up that muffin. Oh no! Now that woman’s kid is pointing directly right at the muffin through the glass—wait, wait, he just wants a cookie. Yeah, get him a fucking cookie, mom. Okay, one more customer, but she’s got a to-go order. If she’s there for the whole office, it’s all over.” At press time, the nation had discovered the muffin was vegan and gluten-free, and left it half-eaten in the garbage.

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