NEW YORK—Admitting that the past few years of greater representation had accomplished the goal of making them feel much better about themselves, American consumers informed body-positive advertisers Monday that they are ready to start staring at impossibly attractive people again. “Look, we appreciate everything the industry has done to appease our feelings of shallowness and incidentally to make those who aren’t conventionally attractive feel nominally included in society, but we really just want to see hot, jacked, genetically gifted models again,” said Indianapolis resident Stephanie French, who joined millions of Americans in declaring that seeing people of all shapes, sizes, and appearances may be fulfilling, but that they miss billboards, commercials, and entertainment populated exclusively by beautiful people. “We got the message loud and clear, but if I wanted to see a slightly overweight person with frizzy hair and yellow, crooked teeth, I would look in the mirror. We want hourglass figures, ripped abs, creamy skin, the muscle tone of Greek statuary. We want hot people to advertise things so we can buy those things and pretend to be hot people for a while. Is that too much to ask?” The advertising industry announced plans to comply immediately.
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