Nation Kept Up All Night By Sound Of Creaking Infrastructure

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WASHINGTON—Tossing and turning while the noise continued virtually unabated, the nation was kept up all night by the incessant sound of its creaking infrastructure, sources said Thursday. “I honestly couldn’t tell if it was coming from the power lines down the block or the overpass a few miles away, but, Jesus Christ, that was rough,” said Portsmouth, NH resident John Laslow, echoing the sentiments of all 323 million Americans, many of whom reportedly attempted in vain to muffle the groans, squeals, and clattering from the nation’s public works system by wrapping a pillow around their ears. “I mean, I’d doze off when the racket stopped for a second, but then I’d get woken up all over again by something else—squeaky cables from the suspension bridges in the region, dripping at a water treatment facility, or this scraping sound I think was coming from the interstate railway network. Oh well, I’m sure they’ll send out workers to fix this soon.” At press time, the populace was sleeping soundly as overnight power grid disruptions had brought much of the nation to a halt.