WASHINGTON—Exhausted after 48 hours of following cable news coverage and continually refreshing their web browsers, Americans from all 50 states and the District of Columbia told reporters Thursday they do not want to see the color red or the color blue in any context or for any reason ever again. “I swear to God, if I never lay eyes on an apple or a stop sign for the rest of my life, I’ll be one happy man,” said Lucas Porter, a 36-year-old truck driver from Menomonie, WI whose sentiment was reportedly shared by every man, woman, and child across the United States. “The same goes for the sky, blueberries, and certain whale species. Don’t want them in my line of sight. To be clear, I’m talking every shade of red: crimson, scarlet, vermilion. And every shade of blue: navy, sky, midnight. They can all fuck off.” At press time, a similar condemnation was issued for green and yellow by the National Association for the Color Blind.
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