Nation Perplexed By 16-Year-Old Who Doesn’t Want World To End

NEW YORK—Following her U.N. address about the existential threat posed by a rapidly warming planet, citizens across the United States confirmed Monday they were perplexed by Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg, a 16-year-old who apparently has no desire to see the world end. “I know she’s from another country, but she’s still a teenager, right?” said 33-year-old Sophia Williams of Kenosha, WI, her confusion reportedly shared by millions of Americans who recalled that during their own adolescence they had hated the world and everyone in it and had felt the end couldn’t come fast enough. “I don’t understand why a high school kid like her isn’t locking herself in her bedroom and writing bad poetry about how nothing matters and everything is meaningless. Instead of going around the world and giving speeches in which she urges people to save the planet, shouldn’t she be commiserating with her friends about how pointless life is and how we’d all be better off dead? I just don’t get it.” At press time, an online survey found that a majority of Americans agree someone should make sure Thunberg’s parents are aware of her unusual behavior in case she needs to seek help.

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