WASHINGTON—According to federal officials currently monitoring the situation, the nation was rocked Tuesday by at least 40 million acts of total bullshit in what has now been confirmed as the most aggravating 24-hour span of time in U.S. history. “Today, Americans have experienced an unprecedented amount of incredibly stupid shit the likes have which no previous generation has ever seen,” said Justice Department spokesperson Edwin Miles, adding that U.S. residents were understandably infuriated by the unending avalanche of shit that began cascading down upon them this morning and has included parking tickets, dropped cellphone signals, mosquito bites, traffic, toe-stubbings, and encounters with inconsiderate assholes who can seriously just fuck off. “In recent decades, the United States has witnessed a steady increase in the number of days each year filled with a bunch of crap you would honestly not even believe. But the complete bullshit pissing people off right now has shattered all records, making today an absolute clusterfuck beyond any previously documented.” Miles later contacted reporters to add that the levels of fucked-up nonsense were on track to increase after he spilled coffee on the crotch of his khakis and a bird shit all over his head.
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