WASHINGTON—Stressing that they’d be “just fine” amid mass layoffs and temporary unemployment looming over the sector, the nation’s 108 million service industry workers assured the public Tuesday that their jobs were just a way to stay busy after winning the lottery years ago. “Listen, we just do this to stay grounded and have something to do on nights and weekends—don’t worry about us,” said 26-year-old waitress Carla Maple, who further advised the public not to concern themselves with tipping, since customers were way more likely to need that money during the Covid-19 pandemic. “We’re each worth, on average, like, approximately $140 million. The only reason we wait tables, serve drinks, and brew your coffee is to avoid becoming totally disillusioned with our vast wealth. Sure, it will be hard to be cooped up in our mansions playing racquetball and swimming all alone in our Olympic-sized pools, but it’s not like we’re relying on income from our jobs to survive.” At press time, Maple added that the nation’s service industry workers had begun a fundraising campaign to help support the nation’s investment bankers.
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