Nation’s Aunts Announce Their 2018 Thanksgiving Boyfriend Roster

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WASHINGTON—Introducing an updated and expanded lineup for the much-anticipated annual event, single aunts across America released their official Thanksgiving 2018 boyfriend roster, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “We’re excited to show off one of the strongest rookie classes in years, as all sorts of up-and-coming boyfriends have burst suddenly onto the scene this year, and we’re really excited to spring them on you at Thanksgiving dinner,” said Milwaukee-area aunt and league chairwoman Joanne Keyes, who hinted that the release of several prominent boyfriends from prison might provide a welcome shake-up during this year’s festivities. “Of course, several of the greats return this year—Alan is back from South America and ready to dominate the conversation with backpacking anecdotes and winking allusions to his new Peruvian import sideline; Marcus is definitely expected to bring his large, untrained dog again; and we’re really excited about Mike, who suffered a bit of a setback and won’t make it for dinner but has assured us that he’ll be there for dessert right after his shift at Taco John’s.” The announcement concluded with a moving slideshow memorializing all the boyfriends who passed away over the year in four-wheeler accidents and belly-flop contests.