Nation’s Bald Citizens Band Together To Demand Their Heads Stop Being Used As Bongos

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WASHINGTON—Holding a press conference with their hairless scalps proudly exposed, the nation’s bald citizens Friday demanded that people stop using their heads as bongos. “For too long, America’s bald men have stood silently as friends, family, and random children slapped their palms against their head to play a simple beat,” said 45-year-organizer Richard Clemmons, adding that although they’ve endured being used to mime Martillo rhythms for generations, it all ends today. “Yes, it may seem fun to sneak up behind us while music is playing in a restaurant, at a concert, or even our own weddings, but we are not percussion instruments—we are people. My skull is not your drum, and may not be used to keep a beat. Beneath this bald head lies a brain, and beneath that, a heart.” At press time, the nation’s bald citizens also demanded people stop spitting on their heads and using their shirt to shine their bald skin like a bowling ball.