DYERSVILLE, IA—Avoiding direct eye contact and covering their faces in an attempt to alleviate social anxiety, bashful sources from across the nation told reporters “…” Thursday, before going on to add “…” and “…” when reached for additional comment. “…,” said the shy cohort of Americans, who blushed, shook their heads sheepishly, and quietly murmured to themselves in response to all follow-up questions, reportedly hoping that, if they remained silent long enough, everyone would just leave them alone. “…, …, …, …. …? ….” At press time, the timid sources were seen ducking into a store, where they were said to remain, even though they didn’t need to buy anything, until some time after reporters had left the area.
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