Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts

WASHINGTON—According to incoming reports from beaches and pools across the country this week, lifeguard tryouts were once again a breeze for the nation’s Blakes. “According to our figures, Blakes from coast to coast have secured more than half of all available lifeguarding jobs, cruising through fitness, CPR, and swimming trials with ease,” American Red Cross president Gail McGovern said, adding that the lifeguard staffs at over 200 municipal pools, seashores, and water parks would be composed entirely of Blakes this summer. “And in addition to Blakes, the country’s Bryces, Gavins, and Rykers also had no trouble passing the various tests. Although, as usual, not a single Saul was offered a position.” At press time, the nation’s Blakes were putting on a pair of wraparound Oakley sunglasses and twirling a lanyard keychain around their fingers.