NEW YORK—In response to reports about a growing achievement gap with girls, the nation’s boys announced Thursday that they would definitely do better in school if they get a PlayStation 5. “If you buy us a PS5, we promise we’ll try super hard in class—especially if you get us a PS5 Pro, which has really good graphics,” said fourth-grader Tyler Grady, a spokesperson for the country’s 40 million boys, who pledged that they would start reading at their grade level and making sure to pay attention in the classroom as long as they received Sony’s latest console and a copy of Lego Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga. “We know some people are worried that we’re going to spend all our time playing the PS5 and our grades will just get even worser [sic], but we swear we’ll only play an hour a day. You don’t have to get us a strong male role model or change to a new approach to teaching literacy. Just get us a PS5, and maybe a Nintendo Switch. And if you don’t do that, then that’s really unfair because the girls got everything they want, and then when we drop out of school it’ll all be your fault.” At press time, the nation’s adult males commended the statement and added that they would stop overdosing on fentanyl if someone got them a copy of God Of War: Ragnarok.
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