MOBILE, AL—Stumbling around and shouting to anyone who was willing to listen, the nation’s visibly intoxicated dive bar couples held a press conference Monday to announce their plan to sloppily make out with each other after engaging in a screaming match. “We are here today to fucking let all y’all fucking know that the second we’re done yelling at each other from across the bar, we’re going to start sticking our tongues down each other’s throats and groping one another in front of everyone,” said Crystal Dowdy, screaming on behalf of the many angry, drunk, and horny couples who frequented local rundown watering holes across the country as she explained that they would waste no time dry-humping on a pool table once the shrieking threats of physical violence had died down. “If that stupid son of a bitch can survive me throwing a can of Michelob Ultra at his thick skull, well, I’ll straddle him on a barstool and grind on him until he creams his tight-ass jeans. Maybe we’ll make our way to the filthy bathroom stall, maybe he’ll just clumsily finger me in a booth. Either way, that’s only gonna happen after I smash his windshield for making eyes at the slutty little whore bartender.” At press time, sources confirmed it was the couple’s first date.
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