WASHINGTON—Tilting their heads back, breathing in thick gurgling gasps and flailing their arms about while stumbling for the nearest trash can, dorky little nerds across the country announced Monday that they, in fact, have a nosebleed. “Oh my, oh no. Please, someone? Get a tissue?” mewled millions of dweebish Americans simultaneously as they made pathetic moist sniffling sounds through pinched nostrils, snorting a sputtered mist of nasal blood all over your new carpet. “Sorry. Sorry. This is so embarrassing. It always happens at the worst possible time. Aw, no, I got blood all over my nice shirt. This will be impossible to get out. I’m okay, though! I’m okay. Maybe a little lightheaded. Maybe some ice would be good. Could you grab me a cold compress?” At press time, the nation’s dorky little nerds were awkwardly inserting tampons in their noses in a vain attempt to stanch the bleeding.

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