Nation’s Elderly Announce Plan To Be Sad And Lonely All The Time

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BOCA RATON, FL—Addressing a retirement community bingo hall filled to capacity with empty folding chairs, the nation’s elderly announced Friday an ambitious and far-reaching new plan to be sad and lonely all the time. “Moving forward, we intend to be extremely depressed every second of every day with no one to turn to in times of increasing isolation,” Gordon Mayhew, 84, said on behalf of the country’s old people, who confirmed they would dedicate their few remaining years to puttering around aimlessly in silence while those younger than them failed to even acknowledge their existence. “As the people we share memories with continue to die off, we have resolved to feel even less loved and more hopeless with each passing day. It will be as if we are already dead as we stare blankly out the window at a world that long ago passed us by. So when you see us, feel free to avoid eye contact and pretend we aren’t here. Soon enough we won’t be.” The nation’s elderly went on to say that in addition to being sad and lonely, they also planned for their bodies not to be found until several days after they died.