Nation’s Gimps Crawl On Washington Demanding Unfair Treatment

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WASHINGTON—Making their way toward the Capitol on all fours and in full leather bondage suits, thousands of gimps from across the country crawled on Washington Monday to press their demands for unfair treatment, according to reports from the scene. “We call upon those mistresses and masters in power to use and abuse us, because every single one of us deserves the right to be punished,” said Cleveland resident Doug Phipps, one of an estimated 15,000 sexual submissives who wriggled around the National Mall with hands and legs restrained, chanting, “Mmmmm, mmmmm!” and later, after removing their latex hoods, “Tread on me!” “Time and time again, we have been very, very naughty, yet despite being filthy little perverts who need to be taught a lesson, our necks remain unchained and our testicles remain unstomped. As long as there’s no ball gag in my mouth, I will speak out to ensure masochists like myself get whipped, spanked, spit on, and called worthless pieces of trash.” At press time, the demonstrators were reportedly moaning with pleasure as D.C. police attempted to disperse them with nightsticks.