CHICAGO—A week after a dog breeder apologized for having ever crossed a Labrador retriever with a poodle, reports of golden, fur-filled explosions emerged Thursday as the regretful creator of labradoodles activated a self-destruct sequence he programmed into their DNA decades ago. “This is the only way I can make amends for the horrors I have wrought and clear my conscience of the unending guilt,” Australian dog breeder Wally Conron told reporters before pressing a button that, according to sources in all 50 states and the District of Columbia, triggered very loud and violent detonations of every labradoodle across the country. “I am deeply sorry for unleashing yet another designer breed upon this world. I should never have tried to play God. If you are the owner of one of these degenerate canine abominations, I urge you to immediately put your dog in a secure area and under no circumstances have it on your lap or near young children.” At press time, reports confirmed the nation’s pugs continued their centuries-long plea for the sweet release of death.
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