ATLANTA—Hopping from foot to foot in front of their laptop and phone screens in fevered anticipation of the former president’s photo, the nation’s liberals reportedly anxiously waited with unzipped pants Thursday for the moment they could finally jerk off to Donald Trump’s mug shot. “Oh Christ, come on already, what’s taking so long?” said visibly erect New York liberal Kai Hunter, one of millions of left-leaning Americans who frantically refreshed the MSNBC homepage and Fulton County Jail website with their pants around their ankles, one hand touching their swollen and dripping wet genitals while the other tabbed over to ActBlue’s donation page. “Fuck, why can’t they just hurry up? The only thing helping me keep it up has been rereading Michael Wolff’s Fire And Fury the past few hours. God, I can’t take much more of this. My nipples are so hard just imagining him scowling at the prison photographer.” At press time, the nation’s liberals had reportedly gone entirely flaccid midway through masturbation after wondering with horror about the damage this mug shot could do to American democracy.
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