Illustration for article titled Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved

EUGENE, OR—A wide smile lighting up their faces as the crow’s feet crinkled around their eyes, the nation’s long-haired old men in flowy linen shirts issued a prepared statement Tuesday in which they confirmed that you are loved. “You are a wondrous creature overflowing with vibrancy and life, and you, my child, are cherished,” said Huckleberry Spangler, 67, who spoke on behalf of the long-haired old men in a gravelly but warm voice, his arms outstretched as a wind of unknown origin caused his wispy untucked button-down and tangled hair to flutter calmingly. “Be still, for the love that fills all the universe finds a home in your heart. You are imbued with a light that shines brighter than any star in the heavens. Come forth and be embraced.” At press time, sources reported that Spangler and several other linen-shirt-wearing old men had been forcibly removed from a local coffee shop while screaming, “No, sir, you are causing a scene! I will burn this place to the fucking ground!”


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