Illustration for article titled Nation’s Loyalists Compete In Annual Nigel’s Bangers And Mash Eating Contest

NEW YORK—Frantically stuffing sausages and creamy potatoes into their mouths as a cheering crowd waved Union Jacks, the nation’s Loyalists competed Tuesday in the annual Nigel’s Bangers and Mash Eating Contest. “There’s no other proper way to affirm your allegiance to the Crown than to watch these iron-bellied competitors devour prodigious amounts of Nigel’s Finest Bangers and Mash,” said event grand marshal The Right Honourable Bromley Danforth, who confirmed he was “positively on tenterhooks” in anticipation of which gravy-splattered Tory would take home the grand prize of 10,000 pounds sterling. “It appears the participants have adopted a rather unorthodox strategy of separating the bangers from the mash before dunking the potatoes in a cup of Earl Grey for swift ingestion. What a bravura display of endurance—easy, lads, or you won’t have any room for afters!” At press time, “God Save The Queen” was blaring from a loudspeaker after reigning champion Sir Thomas Chesternut set a new world record by consuming 40 plates of bangers and mash in 10 minutes.


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