CHICAGO—Promising their groans would reverberate throughout the restroom, the nation’s men in public bathroom stalls held a press conference Monday to announce their plan to breathe really loudly. “If you hear heavy mouth-breathing coming from behind this door, rest assured, that is us,” said a red-faced, profusely sweating Paul Langoni, who spoke on behalf of defecating men across the country, explaining that there would be many short grunts ramping up to a long, labored heave. “We want Americans to be prepared for this and know that it’s coming. While these intense and prolonged exhalations may startle you or make you uncomfortable, please be aware that even when you go to wash your hands, the sound of the faucet won’t be anywhere near loud enough to drown out our strained guttural noises. Thank you, and wish us luck.” Langoni stressed that no matter how concerned the public might become, no one should attempt to intervene unless, in their exertions, the nation’s men in bathroom stalls blew a cranial artery.
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