Hundreds Of Thousands Of Americans Suddenly Resume Blue-Collar Jobs
WASHINGTON—According to eyewitness accounts from around the country, the nation’s middle class suddenly and mysteriously reappeared Tuesday with baffled citizens providing chilling reports of thousands upon thousands of financially stable individuals pouring onto factory floors, taking up positions along assembly lines, and resuming their former blue-collar jobs without any warning whatsoever. “While we can’t say what’s behind this unusual phenomenon, we can confirm that skilled laborers showed up en masse today at manufacturing plants in Michigan, at steel mills across Appalachia, and at countless other job sites throughout the United States,” said Secretary of Labor Alex Acosta at a hastily convened press conference, explaining that he himself was left dumbfounded upon walking outside in the morning to find vibrant working class neighborhoods repopulated with healthy, economically secure individuals heading out to the two cars in the driveways of their single-family homes on their way to steady 9-to-5 jobs. “We’re also investigating thousands of reports of department store aisles spontaneously filling with families casually loading their carts with consumer goods and then purchasing these items on credit cards that have sufficient balances. Furthermore, based on the volume of calls we’ve received, we’re setting up a designated hotline for concerned bankers and financial professionals who are unsure what to make of the droves of customers seen mysteriously depositing money into retirement funds and college savings accounts. Unfortunately, we’re completely at a loss here—there simply isn’t any logical explanation for how these people could have come back into our society.” At press time, the middle class had vanished from the nation just as quickly as it had appeared, leaving behind only the faint and fleeting smell of their well maintained lawns.