Nation’s Missing Children Thankfully All Found At Friend’s House

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WASHINGTON—Receiving an outpouring of affection from their parents while appearing to remain unaware of how much worry they had caused, the nation’s missing children were thankfully all found Tuesday at their friend’s house, reports have confirmed. “Luckily, it turns out all 90,000 children reported missing simply lost track of time while playing Xbox at their friend Tyler’s house,” said FBI missing persons agent Howard Wisham, detailing how after lengthy searches across the country, the children were all found eating Popsicles in Tyler’s backyard. “We received an anonymous tip that thousands of children fitting the descriptions of missing kids from across the country were playing basketball in Tyler’s driveway. This should hopefully be a huge relief to all the parents who feared their kids missing or worse. They’ve just been at Tyler’s house from anywhere between a few days to two years. Apparently, Tyler’s mom made really good mac and cheese, so none of the nation’s missing children wanted to go home for dinner.” At press time, reports confirmed most of the newly found children were sent to foster care.