HOUSTON—Claiming the move was the only way to guarantee a fully renewable future of adrenaline-charged metal smashing, the nation’s monster truck rally organizers issued a statement Monday vowing to crush 100% electric cars by 2030. “For too long, we’ve sent trucks like the Devastator, Swamp Thing, and El Toro Loco out to high-octane demolition derbies without considering the environmental cost of this vehicular mayhem,” said monster truck rally coordinator Greg Kurtz, adding that as part of this goal, organizers nationwide also hoped to have Monster Mutt, Blue Thunder, and the Big Kahuna eviscerating the roofs and windshields of a fully electrified fleet of buses before 2025. “Of course, we’ll be phasing in hybrids to be immolated in the claws of the one-and-only Infernosaur to help us meet the goal. But we believe we’re on track for Bigfoot to be clobbering an entire environmentally friendly line of cars before the end of the decade.” Kurtz added that the organizers would buy carbons offsets for any gasoline needed to light the death-defying rings of fire that the Xterminator would be jumping through this Sunday at the Raymond James Stadium.
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