Nation’s Most Insane-Looking Lawyers Enthusiastically Volunteer Services To Trump Rioters

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WASHINGTON—Speaking from their legal practices in stripmalls, back alleys, and Holiday Inn guest suites, the nation’s most insane-looking lawyers enthusiastically volunteered their services on Thursday to any Trump supporters who participated in the Capitol riots. “Make no mistake, we will passionately represent the interests of the president’s most ardent supporters in a court of law—pro bono, if need be,” proclaimed the flopsweat-covered group of wax-mustachioed, toupée-wearing, and leopard print-bedecked attorneys in unison from their dingy, chaotic offices, gathering obscure legal tomes from beneath piles of broken typewriters and Civil War memorabilia to declare their full-throated support for the insurrectionists’ rights. “President Trump’s supporters were expressing their views by storming the Capitol, and we cannot let this assault on free speech stand unchallenged. We will represent any client, in any jurisdiction, even if we have to take these legal battles to the highest court in the land. Just meet us at the Dunkin’ Donuts off I-95, if you can. Our office is out of operation for the foreseeable future, if you get our drift.” The nation’s most batshit-fucking-crazy-looking lawyers added that they were also available for television interviews where they would offer bizarre, rambling opinions from the cramped condo where they are currently weathering out their third or fourth divorce.