MARIETTA, OH—Pledging to arrive at the crack of dawn and stay until their families came and picked them up, the nation’s old men announced plans Tuesday to wake up at 5 a.m. and argue with other old men around a table at McDonald’s. “Today, we, the elderly men of the United States, promise to get up very early in the morning, hobble over to the nearest McDonald’s, and proceed to spend the entire day there with identical-looking men who speak, look, and dress exactly like us,” said said 86-year-old Hank Eckard, adding that he and his fellow old men would then, as they do every morning, order a single coffee, pull a newspaper out of the back pocket of their pants, and then monopolize an entire table as several groups of other customers came and went. “Once we sit down at the round table, we will proceed to hunch over, gum on the single hash brown we each ordered, and mumble and grunt unintelligibly at each other for hours. And, even though we’ll have many seating options, we will only choose to sit at tables with people of our own race and ethnic group, or, if we’re veterans, at tables where everyone wears identical WWII hats.” At press time, Eckard also pledged to the American people that the nation’s old men would then spend the afternoon at McDonalds berating the staff and calling them racial epithets, getting away with it because they looked so old, frail, and sad.
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