Nation’s Older Cousins Announce Plans To Whip Butterfly Knives Around In The Woods

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Image for article titled Nation’s Older Cousins Announce Plans To Whip Butterfly Knives Around In The Woods

DELAWARE, OH—Stating that they were tired of their stupid family gathering and wanted to go do something cool, the nation’s older cousins reportedly announced plans Thursday to whip butterfly knives around in the woods. “Beginning around 3 p.m. EST and extending until it’s dark, we’ll be in the clearing whipping the fuck out of these sweet butterfly knives and throwing them into stumps,” said Tyler Webber, a representative of the nation’s older cousins, adding that they were making the announcement in order to invite the nation’s younger cousins to join if they promised not to be whiny little bitches. “Our packed agenda includes a demonstration where we’ll show off how freakin’ sharp the knife is and discuss all the things that we could cut with the blade, followed by a symposium on sweet butterfly knife tricks we saw on YouTube and would like to attempt ourselves. We will then do several butterfly knife tricks, including but not limited to the wrist pass, the index rollover, and the classic fan flourish. It is going to look super sick. We have also stolen one cigarette from a pack our dad keeps out in the shed, which, if he finds out, he’ll probably slap us but we don’t give a fuck. Our intention is to give the nation’s younger cousins a puff of said cigarette, then make fun of them when they cough. Then we’re going to pretend that we’re going to stab them with the butterfly knife.” At press time, the nation’s older cousins issued an urgent demand to the nation’s younger cousins to run back and call an ambulance because they’d just cut the tip of their finger off with the butterfly knife.